Brittany

Forgiveness.

2012-02-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

It's crazy to me that as long as I ask for God's forgiveness, He's going to forgive me every time. AND, he doesn't keep a record of it! Can you imagine God having a list... "Well, here I am forgiving Brittany for fill in the blank for the 80th time." No... he doesn't keep record!

Forgiveness is something that I've been thinking about for a few weeks.

Everyone has a past. Everyone has baggage. Everyone has flaws, insecurities, issues, etc. The list goes on.

But the beauty of all of that is this... Jesus died for us on the cross to forgive us of all our sins, all our "stuff" (whatever that means for you.) Our "stuff" doesn't define us. We may not deserve grace but it is freely offered to us because of the price Jesus paid. He died for YOU because He loves you. You can't tell me that's not love.

So, if Christ did all of that for us. Paid our price, forgave and forgives us... then why can't we do that for one another? Too often I hear people say things such as, "well so and so did this," or saying something to reference someone's past and baggage. As I previously stated, everyone has a past and baggage. As long as they have taken that up with God and asked for forgiveness, then what right do we have to hold that over their head? We don't!

In Matthew 18, verses 21 and 22 it says this: "Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!"

Challenging? Yeah.

In 1 Corinthians 13 it talks about love and all that it is. One of the things is love doesn't hold record of wrongs. We are called to love people, love one another. This also means forgiving them and not holding record of wrong.

I for one don't feel like I deserve grace. I don't deserve a lot of things. However, because of Christ dying for us, we are offered so much. And I am forever grateful for that.

Friends, you are worth everything. You have a bright future. The road to it may be rough, but it will be worth it. Because of what Christ did on the cross you deserve grace, to be believed in, to be loved, forgiveness, and so much more. Christ offers you these things because He loves you.

And that's all... :)

Timing.

2012-01-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

God's timing is perfect.

That's something I believe and have seen true. Although there are times when I can't see it and don't understand it, at the end of the day, God is faithful and His timing is perfect.

This is something I've been "pondering" over the past few weeks. There's been circumstances in the last few weeks that have left me wondering "why?" Why now, why this timing? But it's in that that I feel God teaching me to wait and trust. Wait because He knows what He's doing. Trust because He has a perfect plan for me and wants the best for me. These are things I know but that doesn't change the fact that I still have questions and uncertainty. I am human after all! But, they are things that I'm working on. In this time, all I can do is pray and depend on God's strength and peace. I'm thankful that He offers so much to us.
With all that being said, one thing that has been on my mind is this... if someone does something that deters a situation (as in deterring it away from what God had intended), God's plan is still going to prevail despite our decisions so if whatever it is or was is a part of God's plan, then it'll come back around eventually. Right? Hopefully that all made sense.
So I was talking to my mom about this idea of if something is a part of God's plan, it'll come back eventually and she reminded me of the story of Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai) in Genesis. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong on this...) Sarah was barren but God had promised that she would one day have a child. Sarah told Abraham to sleep with the maidservant so that they could build a family through her. Abraham did as Sarah said and months later, Ishmael was born by the maid, Hagar. Jump forward, Abraham is 99 years old. God told Abraham that Sarah would have a son and they were to name him Isaac. The Bible says that at the very time God had promised , Isaac was born.
God fulfilled His promise in HIS timing, even after Abraham and Sarah took matters into their own hands. I was talking about timing of things with a friend today and she said this: no matter what decisions we make, God's plan will still prevail. I am so incredibly thankful for this and needed to be reminded! In times when I feel like I may have missed my chance or I messed something up, I take comfort in the fact that God's plan will still prevail!

In all things, I desire to do what God wants. But sometimes I'm afraid that I'll do something that God doesn't want. But within that, insecurity can take over and distract from what God is trying to do. One thing I learned in this is that insecurity is no good. Yeah, I've known this. But it took a circumstance to really show me insecurity will just keep you from doing what God wants you to do.

Right now, I'm in a season of not fully understand God's timing in situations. But that's okay because I don't have to understand. I think too often we ask God for something or to do something and we want to hear "Yes!" right away...instant gratification. But God isn't always going to answer "yes" or "no." Sometimes, it's "not right now." Sometimes we don't need all our questions answered. We just need to wait because in the end... God's plan will prevail and His timing is perfect. This I am clinging to.

Make sure you commit everything to prayer. Prayer is SO powerful!

So on the other side of this, when we are able to see that God's timing is perfect... A few months ago I seen this. Without getting into a ton of detail, I had been praying for a family member for months about a situation and one day I received a text that was a total answer to prayer. Although there were times that I was like, "God why aren't you answering this?" I seen that day when I received that text, that His timing IS perfect. Also, I just finished reading two books, "Captivating" and "The Sacred Romance" --- let me just say, the timing of reading these books was totally God because it was all stuff I needed to hear right now. Even in the little things such as reading a book, God's timing is perfect.

So friends, don't be discouraged. You may not know the answer to your question or maybe God granted you an answer right away. God is faithful. He cares for us and has an amazing plan. Give it time. Learn to trust. Listen. If you didn't hear me say it enough, God's timing IS perfect :)

Faithful. January 5.

2012-01-05T13:56:00.001-08:00

As of lately, I've been overwhelmed with just about everything about God. Here's just a few...
-To think that there's nothing I could ever do that would make Him love me any less.
-He created me perfectly in His image. He sees in me much more than I see in myself.
-He is incredibly forgiving. Side note: A sin is a sin, regardless of what it is. But when we ask forgiveness, God washes it away. It's done. Over!! If God is so forgiving of us, shouldn't we be equally forgiving of each other?
-FAITHFUL. God is SOOOOO faithful. This is the one I'm going to focus on :)

Those are just a few of the things that I can think of off the top of my head. At this point in my life, faithful is what is overwhelming and challenging me. We're doing a new song at our youth winter retreat this weekend called "Yahweh" by Desperation Band (featuring Kari Jobe in this specific song.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YiBrLrYfb0&feature=share -- It's an 8 minute song but incredible impacting.
The first time I listened to it, and truly listened to the words, I started to get so emotional. (Side note: I love worship songs and they are incredibly cleansing for my heart, soul and spirit. I love worshiping God!) I don't usually get emotional about a worship song, but when I do it's because it is speaking to me or defining me in a particular season. Here are the lyrics...

Yahweh

Verse 1:

From the first break of light to last days
Every echo of time every evening face
You've always been there

Verse 2:
From a baby's first cry to last breath
Every fight in our minds every victory dance
You've always been there

Pre-Chorus:
Ancient One so amazing unfailing
You are Holy One overwhelming my heart with Your love

Chorus:
Yahweh Yahweh
Faithful God You're here to stay
Yahweh Yahweh
Forever and always the same

Verse 3:
Where the sky meets the sea and breaks free
When compassion and love is met with need
You've always been there

Bridge:
All consuming everlasting
God Almighty
Lord of Glory

Now, where do I begin? Isn't that SO good? :)

I love that in every verse, it says "you've always been there." That's faithfulness right there. Always being there. God has been so faithful to me, my whole life but I have especially noticed it in the last season and now current season of my life. One of the most powerful lines for me in this song is, "Every fight in our minds every victory dance, You've always been there." At times when I wondered where God was or what He was doing, He WAS there. He was preparing me for something great and at times, not so great. But most importantly, He was there. I honestly can't even find enough words to express how greatly this song is speaking to me in this season. "Faithful God, you're here to stay. Forever and always the same." God doesn't change and He certainly doesn't leave. I can't imagine living my life without Him. To have a God who walks through life with you, so incredible faithful, is so relieving!

In my last (or "old") season and current season, I have circumstances arise that left me wondering, "Okay God, what are you doing with and in this? What am I to do with and in this?" At times I wonder how I'll make it through. Sometimes circumstances seem so unbearable. It's at the perfect time, that this song came along. It serves as a reminder, to me, of God's faithfulness. He's always been there and will continue to be there. In the mountains and in the valleys.

God offers so much to us when we don't deserve it. He offers His grace, peace, strength, faithfulness, forgiveness, and more. All we have to do is ask for it.

Right now, I'm thanking God for his faithfulness in every single area of my life. Without Him, I'd be nothing.

Realization. January 5th.

2012-01-05T13:55:00.001-08:00

While working today, all sorts of thoughts were drifting about in my mind and I realized something. Lately, I feel like I have a lot to say and God is teaching me lessons and I want to talk about it! Hence, I'm back to blogging. Or trying! I really will try hard to share as God shows it to me.

As I was in Texas over the weekend spending time with dear friends, we were driving in the car and their four year daughter, Madelyn, was "reading" her Bible. All of a sudden I hear her say, "If you can't hear God, turn your listening ears on and hear what He says." First, I giggled. But for the rest of the night, this haunted me. And I mean haunted in a good way! I couldn't get this out of my head. God needed me to hear this, and I'm so thankful that He used 4 year old, sweet Madelyn to communicate it. In this season of my life, listening is so important. I need to turn my listening ears on. Instead of hearing what I want to hear, I want to hear what He's actually saying. Everything and anything. This has been my challenge, turn my listening ears on and keep them on!

My hope is that you'll be encouraged or that God will reveal something to you. Please feel free to share your input and opinions on my posts, as long as they are appropriate :)

Just a heads up, If I make a statement such as, "In my last or old season and current season..." or anything about different seasons, it would be helpful to know what the last/old and current season means in my life :) which is explained in my blog "What God is doing in me" from December 2011.

And here it goes...

What God has been doing. (originally from December 2011)

2012-01-05T13:54:00.002-08:00

What has God been doing in my life? Oh my, let me tell you! But first... I must back track. This is going to be long, so stay with me!

As December is now half way over, 2011 is so close to ending. For years I've gone through journals and blogs at the end of the year and then wrote a "recap" of how the year went. I've gotten less detailed as the years have gone by, but still do it none the less. So since it's about that time, I'll back track, but try not to get to far behind because I definitely want to get to what's going on in my life right now. It's exciting to me! Maybe not to you, but it is for me :)

In case you don't know, 2010 was not a good year for me. I had lots of trials and heartache in 2010. Yes, there were good points but the bad outweighed the good in my mind. When 2010 was ending, I was hoping that 2011 would be a new year full of new seasons, memories, peace and most importantly healing. I don't need to go into detail of why I needed so much healing to happen in my life, heart and spirit but if you wish to know, feel free to ask! Thankfully, God brought healing to me in every way that I needed. 2011 has been full of new memories, friendships, experiences and seasons. Of course it also brought hardships, trials and heartache but there was a lesson to be learned from all of it and I believe that. But, the new season that I had been hoping for since the start didn't come until about a month ago. Since God's timing is perfect, I know that it came at the right time. I don't have to look at 2012 as being a new year, a new start because for me, my NEW year... my NEW start has begun! I’ll get to it, don’t worry.

Throughout 2011, I knew this would be my last year at Schoolcraft. My plan was to graduate at the end of the Fall semester and to go on my merry way, where ever that would be. I hoped that God would open doors and lead me out of state. I’m pretty sure most of you could guess which state I was rooting for :) Haha. Anyway... whenever I feel like I’m in a dry season, I just want to leave. It happens to me a couple of times a year and when it comes, I’m at what feels like my wits end with living in Michigan and I’m just ready for somewhere new where I barely know anyone. Not to mention that I was pretty much convinced that my future husband was NOT in Michigan. Dramatic? Yes.
I was in one of these “dry seasons” for most of 2011. I was still pursuing God and a relationship. I was still pursuing ministry and serving because my heart wouldn’t allow me to do otherwise. I continued to pour into my friendships, family, school, work, etc. But there was always that pulling that “when I graduate, it’s all gonna change...” I think we all have plans for ourselves. We have our idea of what the “perfect” plan would be, even though we know God’s plan is the only perfect plan. I had my plan, there’s no doubt about that. And although I had my plan, I always prayed that God’s plan would prevail. I was told by a friend that it’s when we are most content where we are, that God will move. I’ve always known that I needed to get to a point where I was completely content with who I am in Christ and where I am. I’m very much a planner so, to not know what’s going on and to let go of that plan I had for myself was very difficult. So, all through this season of my life I felt like God wasn’t moving. At times I would feel distant and wonder if I’d ever be in a good place with God. I was trying to get there, but not hard enough. Now, I must make a disclaimer. When I say I was distant from God, I don’t mean in the sense of walking away from Him or church or making bad decisions. I mean I was distant in the sense that I was not truly listening to Him or furthering my relationship with Him. Although I didn’t think God was moving, He most certainly was. He was carefully preparing my heart for what he was going to do.

Around the time the semester began, I was growing incredibly stressed about what I was going to do when I graduated. After all, it was ONLY 3 months away. The number one most stressful question is probably, “so what are you going to do when you graduate?” and when you don’t have an answer to that, most people will give you a concerning look. But for me, I didn’t have an answer because I never felt like God had fully revealed what that would consist of. I prayed every single day that my plan for my life would be God’s plan. God knows the desires of our hearts but He still wants us to ask. I often would think that God was probably tired of hearing my plea but I know He never was. I continued to fervently pray that God would reveal His plan to me and that He would prepare my heart for whatever that was. I’ve prayed over and over that God would bring me to a place of contentment. Content being here and being content in who I am, as a person and in being single because at times this was a struggle.
I would have multiple conversations with a dear friend who’s wisdom I take very much to heart and she constantly encouraged me. One thing she said to me struck me deep. She said, “the looser we hold to our plans, the quicker we’ll see His plans unfold.” I tried so hard to wrap my mind around that. It’s such truth and I wanted my heart to grab a hold of that with every fiber in me. It was about a month or a month and a half ago that I finally grabbed a hold of this. After months of praying to be content where I’m at, God answered my prayer and gave me what I’ve longed for for years.

Complete contentment.

I have risen above this dry season that I felt myself in for so long. God has birthed a new passion and excitement in me for life and the life that HE has for me.
After months of seeking God and waiting, He has blessed me with a spirit that is so content in who I am and where I am. All I want, is to do God’s will. All I want, is to be in the place that God wants me.

Whether that’s here or somewhere else. I do love Michigan. Much to contrary belief, I do. I love my family and friends here. If God keeps me here, to serve in the ministries that I am privileged to be a part of and just do life with the people here, then so be it. If He chooses to move me, it won’t at all be easy but if it’s what He wants, so be it.

Whether single or in a relationship. And that friends, is HUGE for me to say. I want to be a wife and mother one day but ultimately I want whatever it is that He has for me. And coming from a girl who’s never been in a relationship but has wanted one, this is huge! I want God to direct my footsteps and that includes any relationship. I say all of that because, this is something that God has helped me overcome. If God called me to be single the rest of my life, I would be a little disappointed but if that’s what He had for me, so be it! Have I said yet that I just want to do what God wants? :) I do, I do, I do.

It doesn’t matter where I am, or who I’m with. As long as I’m doing God’s will I will be perfectly content because He is all that I need.

For so long, I wondered if I would ever get to this place. The place I’m in right now and where I’m at with my relationship with God, is a place I’ve never been before. I wish I had gotten here sooner. When I really started realizing what God was doing and how I was changing, I came across the passage in Mark when Jesus called the disciples. I shared this on my facebook and it still challenges me. This is what I put on facebook:
“It says in Mark 1, "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish for people." At once they left their nets and followed him.    The disciples didn't hesitate. They dropped what they were doing and followed Jesus. How often do we do this? When we're called to come or go, speak up or encourage someone...often we hesitate, but why?  I know when God says "go" or "do (fill in the blank)" I want to obey without hesitation.”

I'm just a person, nothing special. Just a person who wants to fulfill God's calling on my life and serve Him.

It was around this time that I really started realizing that God was changing and challenging me. I wanted to follow with that same attitude. Without hesitation.

Friends, I hope you are encouraged. Even when it seems like God isn’t moving, He IS. He’s right there beside you, cheering for you and may even be whispering “wait on me, I won’t let you down.” His timing is completely perfect. All good things come to those who wait. God knows what our hearts desire. He answers our prayers in His timing.

You know that thing my friend told me, about holding looser to our plans so that God’s can unfold? I’ve seen this in my life. And all within the last 3-4 weeks! When I finally surrendered all my plans and ideas, and truly surrendered them, I seen the blessing that came from this. God has begun to open doors that I didn’t think would open. In the big and small things. He has His hand over my life and in my friendships/relationships. The people who are in my life are there for a reason. The friendships that are growing right now are growing for a reason.

Phew. That was a lot. I hope I was able to communicate that effectively and in a way that makes sense. If you need me to explain it in person, don’t hesitate to ask! I’d be thrilled to talk about it!

So, what does all this mean in my life right now?

Well, as I write this. I’m almost finished with my classes!!! :) :) :) I don’t have to go into class again, I just have one final to take online. This is a huge accomplishment for me and I know you’ve probably seen or heard all my excitement about it.
As most know, I work at Schoolcraft’s Children’s Center (daycare) as a student employee. Since I am no longer a student, my last day of work was going to be December 22. I was getting very sad about this because I dearly love my job and especially the preschoolers who have grabbed a hold of my heart. This past week God opened a door in which allows me to stay at the Children’s Center temporarily as part time help. I could be there for 2 weeks or 2 months. The period of time is unknown but I’m thankful that God hasn’t shut the door yet... the way I’ve described it is that He’s propped the door open. It will shut eventually and will be time to move on. I’ll be ready. But in the meantime, I’m going to embrace the time I have working there. I’m so grateful that God has presented this to me. This is just one of the many examples of seeing His hand and plan move in my life. Now for everything else... I’m not going back to school quite yet. I have (or will have) my Associates in Child Development and I’m going to enjoy some time off. I will continue to work at Dairy Queen as well as The Children's Center until that door closes. I’m praying for what the next step is because right now, I’m not sure. Doors are opening, it’s just which one is the right one.
So, if I can ask for prayer... that I would remain in this place of being content and allowing God to do whatever it is He wants to do.

I still have hopes and dreams but at the end of the day, it's all about Him. It's ALL about the one who has given me this life to live. A life that is completely blessed, far more than I even deserve.

Thanks for listening friends, thanks for reading. Your love and support to me has been incredible. Whether you’ve been through the great times or the bad times. I appreciate you. I pray that God intervenes in your life in whatever way it is He needs.
Friends, seek God. Be content in where He has you. It’s only a season, whether it’s a good one or a rough one, a dry one or one full of joy.

Time to breathe... (originally from June 2011)

2012-01-05T13:54:00.001-08:00

I was reading on my Bible app the other night and all the verses that were coming up in my reading plan were on freedom. Then I felt like I was smacked in the face with scripture. haha. God has called us to live a life of freedom. No that doesn't mean we can do whatever we want and justify it. He's called us to FREE. Free in Him. Free from pain, hurt, bondage, walls, chains. The list goes on! And I've known this but it was a reminder I needed. I don't need to by tied down by my fears, anxieties and worries because God has called me to be free! I was then reminded of a sermon I listened to and the speaker was talking about being healed and he said that Jesus says, "I didn't come so you could cope. I came so you could be healed and set free." WOOOOAHHHH! Hold it. Jesus didn't come so we could just get by, and just cope with things. He came so we could be healed. I can't even express what that means to me. That's HUGE.
I was talking with a friend yesterday and she had said how she was listening to a sermon recently where the pastor was talking about how everything was made by God and how he spoke the world into existence. He said let there be light and there it was. It was made by his voice. At the smallest level, sound is just vibrations. And at the core of EVERYTHING is sound... which is God's voice. When she told me that I was like wow that's so good and so true. But typing it out now I'm blown away by the realization of that. I was talking with that same friend last week and we were sitting in the park, looking at the beauty of nature and talking about how could you look out and deny there's a God? What beauty He has made. Everything is so uniquely made.
God is so good. SO SO SO SO good.

Thoughts... (originally March 2011)

2012-01-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

"God loves to bless you.”

Those words have been playing in my heart and soul since they were sent to me in a text from a friend. I can’t get them out! I’ve always known God has blessed me. But it was so nice to be reminded of it and for the words to be, “God loves to bless you.” Like, why do I forget that he loves to bless me? He loves me. God is so good.

I don’t know if those words were spoken about something specifically or in general. God has blessed me in all areas of my life, I know that for sure. The joy I feel in my heart right now is unexplainable.

I’m just pressing in to Him and lifting everything up to Him. All my concerns, anxieties, curious thoughts, etc. —- They belong to Him.

———————————————————————————————————-

I was reading Psalms 139 a few weeks ago and was moved by it. I’m going to post it in my room so I can read it and be reminded of it everyday. God knows everything about me. I was created in HIS image. He sees me as beautiful and flawless, when I don’t see that at all. He sees potential and big dreams, even when I forget I can dream. He sees me as perfect, when I think I’m just annoying and “who would want to really hang out with me.” He has a perfectly timed plan for my life even though I doubt and wonder what the timing of it all is.

I say these things because they’re on my heart. They’re REAL thoughts. And ones I’m trying to change. Who am I to discredit who God made me to be? I know everyone is harder on themselves but when I KNOW that I’m made in His image, why do I discredit who I am? I am who HE says I am.

I am me. I am Brittany Nichole Omilion. I am a child of God.

I am loved. I am blessed.

And you know what, I’m glad to be me.

This is something I need to share... originally from November 2010

2012-01-05T13:49:00.002-08:00

Here I sit in my bed, all comfy cozy with the worship music playing & I notice it's 11:11pm. Better make a wish!

A majority of my blog posts consist of "I"m a horrible blogger." "I never blog." Blah Blah Blah. Well, you see, I blog. But on different blogs. I tried tumblr for a while. And I privately blog on livejournal. But this blog, is one I've had for a long time. I get such a kick reading old posts. Anyway, that's not what this post is about. I thought about posting something like this at the end of the year, but I've decided to post it now. It'll probably take me a while to write. And if anyone reads it, a while to read it. But I feel like I need to write it. Not really for anyone in particular to read, but just simply for me to write it and express it.

2010 has been one heck of a year. To be quite honest, it's been pretty rough.
This has been one of the hardest years ever & I've "lost" (in more ways then one) more people then I would of liked.

I'm going to be honest in this blog. And I'm going to start at the beginning.

When the clock struck midnight on January 1st, I was worshipping with my favorite people in the world... underone<3
That was the perfect way to start of a year. To move ahead, one of my new friends, Stephanie Shaft, moved to Illinois. Now, I was sad about this move but knew it was going to be so exciting for her & her husband to start a new position at a church in IL. I helped pack up the moving truck & said "see ya later." We've kept in touch & are still great friends. Even though most of the time I hate not having her here.
Now jumping ahead... mid-March my grandma's health took a turn for the worse. She always had up & down times but this one was heading especially down. The weekend of March 26, my grandma had been taking some extra medicine that made her extremely loopy & very confused. I wasn't around much that weekend but when I was, it was hard to hold a conversation with her. On Saturday, the 27th, one of the last things she said to me (and later to find out one of the last coherent things to be said) was "Why, hello beautiful!" The next morning, I woke up to start getting ready for church & my dad came in to say someone from hospice was coming by because grandma was not doing well. I was getting ready to walk out the door and my dad said, "you need to go say bye to her." I had no idea what this was going to begin... a horrible week. I had no idea my grandma was *that* bad. So, there I went, to say bye & give a kiss to my grandma. She barely even responded. I walked out of the room crying. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Did I just say good-bye? I went to church, found Brian & told him what was going on. Kristen got Sue for me & I just cried to her. I didn't know if I had said good-bye to my grandma that morning but I couldn't be at home. I needed to be at church. Later would I find out the next 2 1/2 days would be spent by her bedside. My aunts, cousins & other family came and went over the course of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. Every day, I would go to school if I had to and any other time was spent in my grandma's place. (She lived with us, in an attachment of our house, for those of you who don't know.) My grandma was very unresponsive the last few days. At one time she did tell me she loved me & the other thing I remember is her calling me beautiful. That's something I cling to. Anyway, I spent hours upon hours by her bedside, holding her hand or just talking to her with my family. The Hospice people were great. Always available to us & very compassionate. Wednesday, March 31 was a day that changed my life. My family's lives. We knew my grandma was going to go any day, we just didn't know when. I had class that day & my parents said I could & should go. I got to school & wasn't there even 15 minutes before my brother sent me a text that said I needed to come home. He said everything was fine but I needed to come home. So, I gathered my things & headed home. It was a 20 minute drive so I just prayed. I arrived home, went to set my things in my room & my mom stopped me. She said that my grandma was gone. I looked at my brother and he just starred back. I walked into the back, took one look at her & to see her so still. She wasn't here any more. She was free & healed! I sat and sobbed at her side for a few minutes. My dad sat beside me and comforted me. I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. All I could think was "I never should of went to school!" I felt so guilty for leaving. I was quick to be told not to think that because we didn't know. But, to this day, I still say I never should of gone. But, I guess it all worked out in God's plan. I think I would of been way more upset if I had been here. But still, I feel guilty. Anyway, very shortly after James & Patrick came over just to be with Brian & I. I was so thankful that they came by. Even though they had to see me in such a weak state, I knew I could count on them to just be there to comfort us. The rest of the day passed quickly. But not the next few days. I'm going to leave out the family drama. But my (extended) family made it a nightmare to plan the funeral. One of my aunt's had a lot of regrets & anger and she made it a complete nightmare for us. Something that was already painful enough, was made even worse. Anyway, Friday was the viewing & Saturday was the funeral. I had never felt so loved in my entire life. So many facebook posts, tweets, phone calls, text messages & kind words and love were shown to my family. I couldn't even believe it but I was so thankful. We buried my grandma on April 3rd. It was Easter weekend & now, Easter will be a specifically rough holiday. Having to lose my grandma was one of the hardest things of my life. She was my only grandparent left & she's lived with us since I was 3 or 4. It's been extremely hard to deal with this. Thankfully, I have a God who has given me healing & peace. I have family & friends who have been amazing to me. So many people have allowed me to share stories & shed tears & I am so thankful. More tears are to be shed & I thank you all in advance :) My grandma died on a Wednesday. So Wednesday after Wednesday was just another reminder. Wednesdays went from being my favorite day of the week to one of the worst days. I always remembered the date. I always remembered it was Wednesday. It took a long time for me to not think about that first thing in the morning. It still hits me, but usually later in the day and I don't get as sad. I know my grandma is better now. But I miss her with every fiber in me. There's been a lot of firsts this year... Just a month after her death, I had to celebrate my 19th birthday without her. Yet another first. But, I once again, have amazing family & friends who made me feel so loved.
Just after my birthday, April 28th, I got more 'life-shaking" news. I found out that come mid-June, 2 of my best friends (plus 3 amazing kiddos) would be leaving Michigan. James & Holly were being called back to Texas to join a worship ministry, Sole Desire. Now, when I heard the news & heard what they were doing I thought how amazing it was and how perfect it fit them. But most of me was wondering why? Why now? Just a month ago I had to say good-bye to my grandma and now I'm going to have to move on & live life without the Browns' here? I was never angry at God. Just SO confused. I didn't know how in the world I was going to continue on. But, God once again blessed me with his peace & strength. This has been a year full of God's peace & strength. From the time I was told that James & Holly would be leaving, we had 2 months left with them. So I had to look on the bright side of that. Many more tears were shed over the next few months however. So many "lasts" were taking place now... last time I would do worship with James, last time to hear James speak, last time to spend alone time with Holly, last time to play with the kids. The list goes on. But, I knew all of these "lasts" were only temporary and they were not indefinite. It was never good-bye, just see you soon. Often I thought, how can my life be so awesome but suck so bad. That's really how I felt.
I understand God calls people places. I realize that's a part of ministry. I've been through it once before. But there is nothing that could fully prepare me for this. You have to understand, a huge part of my life was being removed, physically. Yes, James & Holly are still a huge part of my life & we still have a friendship despite the distance. But, so much has changed & they were a huge impact on my life. It was hard for me to see God's plan in the big picture. I know James & Holly followed God's plan. Them stepping out in obedience and leaving actually encouraged me. I so badly wanted to have that courage! That when God says, Go, I want to be able to go. I really felt that I needed to run harder. I still do.
So, we're only at June & at this point I feel I've cried more tears this year then I ever have.
The summer continued on... I was still involved in UO and Patrick was doing a great job of leading us. In September we got new youth pastors, Bryan & Brittany. (Weird, right? Hah. But funny!) It's been different, there's been changes, but God has a plan. I've had a hard time with change lately. I wish I could say it's been great but for me personally, it's been hard & I'm just not ready yet. Partly because my heart isn't healed yet. Something that has been my life for years and years, is changing. And quite frankly, I just don't know how to deal with it sometimes. But prayer is the key. Underone will always have a special place in my heart, no matter where I am.
It's now November. A couple of weeks ago, one of my co-workers was killed in a tragic car accident. But God has given me a peace. I'm sad, but God is my strength.

God. Prayer. Peace. Strength. Comfort. Family. Friends. These are what have helped me though. I've learned the power of Prayer. Ask, and you shall receive.

This year. I've lost a lot of people. People who are so dear to my heart. For the people that have moved, I'm realizing how much it sucks to "watch life" from a distance. It literally hurts my heart. But God has a plan.

A long time ago, God started changing my heart. In a few ways that I can't fully explain. But I know it's God.
This has been a very confusing year and season. It's been a hurtful season. It's been a rough season. It's been discouraging & very trying. But, I need a healing season. God is my healer. It's in Him that I'll find my healing. My healing has started, but it's not finished. There's this song, Healing Is In Your Hands. It's currently one of my favorite songs. It just talks about God's healing & it defines my life. "Come rest in me & be made whole." (My Beloved) by Kari Jobe)--- those words just played on iTunes. So true. I'm so thankful that God is so much bigger than my situation. My heart, still feels very broken and wounded. Like I said, it's healing. But it's not finished yet.

I'm usually a very positive, happy person. But if you look at my twitter this year, you'll see a lot of confusion, negative, and hurt. And that's a reason I wrote this. I need you if you're reading this, I need people to realize... I've had a rough year. I've dealt with way too many losses. I've dealt with way too much change. Usually, I can handle change. Not so much these days.

I won't lie. I wish I could just go back to the way things used to be. The things that were familiar and comfortable. But, God hasn't called us to be comfortable. I was talking with my dad the other day and he said "Seasons come, seasons go. And I'm not talking about the weather." I loved that and he's so right. I'm coming to realize, some seasons of my life have come to an end or, are coming to an end. But, God has a new season in store for me. It is so scary for me to think the things that seasons that have been a huge part of my life for so long, are coming to end. A chapter is finishing. But, I'm so ready to start a new chapter. I'm ready to see what God has for the next chapter, the next part of the story.
I'm sure I will look back and see that this difficult season will have some kind of positive impact. One day.

I ask, that if you've read this. Whether you read the whole thing or just a part of it. That you would join me in prayer.
I just need God's direction and healing.
I thank you if you've read this. If you have something to say, say it.
Don't judge me. Don't talk about me. Tell me.

Now, I must say, I never could of went through this without having a relationship with God. I've had such a hard time feeling broken and feeling weak. But I've been often reminded that it's in our weakness and vulnerability that we show strength. It's okay to be real.
God is shaping me.
I'm learning from all of this.

Thank you friends. For always being there for me.
Thank you, for allowing me to share my heart.

New blog! January 5th, 2012

2012-01-05T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hello! So, I wanted my newest posts to have a blog of their own :)
I've moved a few posts over from my old blog to this one. Some of them are from a while ago and some fairly recent. I feel like they give a good insight of where I've been, and that's why I'm including them.

They will all have today's date on them... so just to clarify, I didn't go on a posting frenzy or anything just moving some important posts over. :)